Sexy Mens: Butler and Demon Lord
by Cheese Time
Summary: Warning: Total crack to follow. Kyoya has taken on a contract to have Sebastian as a butler. But when one has Sebastian around, some sort of fornication is inevitable. Who will be the uke? Will it be filled with cheap plot devices to justify time travel logic? Will their love transcend history, or might a certain red reaper interfere? Will there be DDR? Who knows...
1. Don't drop the soap

**A/N: Warning - total crack to follow. This was written as a present to someone who likes Sebastian and Kyoya an awful lot. 'Cause if you see one guy, you think it's cute, but two guys, all over each other, with wind blowing in their hair... that's sexy. I'm incapable of writing anything serious, so this... is what I came up with. It's a snarkfest, so if you don't like seeing your favourite characters being mocked to the point of it just being fuckin' ridiculous, then go elsewhere...**

**But stick around if you want to see these guys dicking it. (Who wouldn't?)  
**

* * *

Kyoya watched as Tamaki layered on can after can of deodorant.

"I must smell like the divine! The prettiest of kings, the gentlest of knights, the most fanciful courtier!" Roses seemed to fall out of nowhere into the air, and they littered the floor of the changing room soggily. Kyoya said nothing, he just dried off his hair and started entering the combination for his locker. Class 2-A had just had an hour long lesson in the gym, and everyone was around the boys' locker room, getting changed. Kyoya, having just taken a shower, was wearing nothing but a towel, (and of course his glasses, which were a main addition to his character). The steam still drifted away from his body from the pure _hotness _of the water. Renge had no less than fifteen cameras hidden about this location, and the various scenes are available for an extortionate amount of money. Tamaki was sparkling, as always, next to him. He would have said that he smelled like a French whore, but he _was _a French whore, so it wouldn't mean much.

Kyoya, never giving a fuck about anything ever, just kept drying his hair. He had to stay cool about these things in order to keep up his appearances as a neutral evil character. He was perfectly content to just get through the day, and go back home to do some work.

Fate, it seemed, had other plans.

On the other side of the locker room, was Nekozawa. He wasn't altogether that into sports, as he always tripped over his long black cloak when running, but physical education was a required activity. If the mens of Ouran weren't forced to do excessive amounts of training, they might become fat, and therefore not attractive enough for a shoujo manga. And Nekozawa was having a breakdown, talking to his P.E. instructor.

"_Swimming?" _Nekozawa asked incredulously. "_We have to go... swimming?"_

The coach put his muscular arms firmly on his hips. He'd had enough of Nekozawa's excuses over the years, and was getting fed up. He always skipped out on P.E., and it was becoming pathetic. "Yes, so take that dingy robe off, and get into your speedo!" He held aloft a thin, skimpy little bathing suit with one finger.

"_Never!" _Nekozawa insisted. "_I shall not embrace the light for that purpose, or any other!" _He snickered from underneath his hood, thinking he'd gotten away from skipping P.E. once more. _"So if you'd kindly excuse me..." _Nekozawa made an attempt to creep towards the door, away from the changing room.

But the coach wouldn't stand for it, he snatched towards Nekozawa's cloak, attempting to pull it off. "You're going to go swimming!" the coach insisted. "And you're going to look totally gorgeous and hot while doing so!"

"_Noooooooo...!" _Nekozawa cried in a whisper, now flat out running towards the door. But the coach chased after him. Everyone in the changing room stared at the pair, Tamaki's mouth dropped to the floor. The coach managed to grab ahold of Nekozawa's cloak, and pull hard on it. The black magician wailed, as his shroud was taken from him. His hair was exposed to the light, all shimmering and golden, as his wig, too slipped from his head. The fluorescent lights of the changing room glared down at him, and he let out an almost animalistic howl. "_Cover! Shadow, I need shadow!" _he pleaded, looking about himself in the rawest of frantic desperation.

It just so happened the Kyoya was the closest thing to him. Nekozawa was practically burning in the light, and he had no other choice if he wanted to live. So he pulled the damp towel from around Kyoya's waist, and put it above his head to shadow his face. A muffled sigh of relief came from within the towel. "_Ahhhhhhh, darkness again."_

Meanwhile Kyoya was completely stark naked in the middle of the changing room in front of everyone. He himself let out a sigh of exasperation, as everyone around him panicked. Knowing full well that he was confident with his appearance, Kyoya just let them look. It wasn't as if they'd get another opportunity. Hidden cameras zoomed in. Yes, let them see...

Wait.

Stahp.

They couldn't see, or they would discover... the secret.

Because – on nothing less than his left ass cheek – was a pentacle. A glowing star within a circle, branded onto the flesh. It was glowing purple, creating a dim hue of ethereal light.

"Kyoya! I didn't know you were so metal!" Tamaki exclaimed, looking down at Kyoya's bared ass. "When did you get that done?!" He bent down to closer inspect the megane's butt. "Wow, that must have really hurt! I've only ever been able to put on temporary tattoos, even they hurt sometimes when you have to scrub them off..."

Kyoya just looked around for his pants, eager to get the attention away from his nether region. "It's not a tattoo, Tamaki," although he suspected explaining it would be in vain, he might as well tell everyone now, before rumours started spreading. He slammed the door of the locker closed as he pulled out his Ouran uniform, and started putting it on. "It's a symbol of a covenant that I made. To represent a contract."

"Woah," Tamaki's eyes widened, and he looked appalled. "I didn't realise you did such intense things in order to gain business contacts. I know your father was harsh on you, but... sheesh!"

Kyoya pushed up his glasses slowly with a middle finger. His pants were back on now, and he was working on his shirt buttons. Everyone was looking at him, but the rest of the school thought that the Host Club was a bunch of homo-bags anyway, and this wasn't all that different from their normal questionable activities. So nobody really cared all that much. "It's not for that kind of business deal. I sold my soul in exchange for having an immortal demon servant who is completely overpowered and will do anything I bid. He will eventually eat my spirit, and bring me to a realm of hell and oblivion."

Tamaki smiled, relieved. "Oh," he closed his eyes and tilted his head, "I'm glad. I thought your father forced you into some kinky dealing. You should follow your own heart Kyoya. I always knew you had a way with demons." He was no doubt thinking of all the _high blood pressure evil lord _situations.

Kyoya didn't say anything in response to his kind words. His head was pounding from staying up until 7pm last night, and he wanted to get back so he could go to sleep before his proper bed time. Sebastian would be there, but the like-minded butler wouldn't do anything to hinder his work but tuck him into bed, button up his shirt and clean his underwear.

First he had to endure two hours of the Host club.


	2. I challenge you to DDR

A/N: **Mori probably listens to Super Junior in his free time.**

* * *

For the first time, in music room three, there was someone dressed like a butler who wasn't cosplaying. For none other than the infamous Sebastian himself poured tea for everyone, smiling sweetly all the while. The whole host club was sat around on sofas, everyone staring at Kyoya's servant. Except for Kyoya himself, of course, who sat, computer on lap, doing accounting work for the club.

"Wow, Seba-chan!" Hunny squealed, "this tea is the sweetest!"

Sebastian bowed low to the loli. Kyoya looked up from his laptop anxiously for a second. The butler had somewhat of a rape face on as he looked at the youthful third year. "I'm glad you like it, young sir," he said cooly.

Tamaki was eager to tell everyone about Sebastian's merits. He'd practically given Kyoya an inquisition the whole way over from the changing rooms, and now he thought he knew everything about the butler. "Kyoya told me that Sebastian can do ANYTHING," he claimed. "Absolutely anything he orders..."

Haruhi was not impressed, but the twins leaned in closer, minds churning away hastily. "Anything... eh?" Kaoru pondered.

"Even a septuple head spin?" Hikaru suggested. Of course, a dance move was the first thing they thought of to be difficult. Not, like, rocket science or anything.

Sebastian just kept smiling. "I assure you, I am fully capable of such, young sirs. But my master must be the one to give orders."

Hikaru and Kaoru practically sprung onto Kyoya after that comment. Hunny, in his hypotensive evil beast form, also pounced onto the megane. Tamaki sparkled with excitement, and even Mori leaned in with a fraction of enthusiasm. Haruhi rolled her eyes, naturally.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease, Kyo-chan," Hunny pleaded. "Pleeeeeeeeeease can we see Sebastian do a septuple head spin?"

"It would be so awesome!" the twins said in unison.

Kyoya just sighed, and pushed his glasses up with his middle finger. "Kindly leave me to my work. I have to finish this income report by six."

Everyone instantly went into a state of sulking depression. "It's no fair. You can't just summon an evil demonic butler, and _not_ take advantage of his occult powers for amusement," Hikaru complained.

Haruhi could all but see Kyoya's blood boiling as these comments continued. He started typing more violently on his keyboard.

Kaoru was equally put out. "Nekozawa would be very disappointed."

Tamaki struck a '_I have a plan_' pose. "Additionally, Sebastian would make a sensational member of the host club!"

"Come on, Kyoya, don't you wanna see a septuple headspin!"

Kyoya, it seemed, was destined to get no work done. He would have to stay up until eight today, just getting all his normal chores finished. If there was one thing that raised Kyoya's blood pressure, it was staying up until times as late as eight.

But then his twisted mind came up with an idea. What point was there in having an indentured servant slave, if you didn't push them to the edge of human rights? "Sebastian, I order you to keep the host club distracted while I finish off my work. That means fulfilling all of their requests."

That caused Sebastian to wince, and the rest of the club to grin wildly, but the butler bowed nonetheless. "Certainly, master Ohtori." Because he was such a pro, the pain hardly rang in his voice.

And then Sebastian was at the host club's mercy. They stood up from their luxuriant sofas, and crowded around him. As one, they all chimed the same childish order. "DO A SEPTUPLE HEAD SPIN."

Sebastian, being the master of all dance, had no problem with that. He got down on the flo', beautiful dark locks of hair brushing the music room floor's tiles. Pushing off with his arms, he spun around and around. The twins counted Each rotation with increasing excitement. Once the seventh came, everyone let out a holler of excitement. "Can you moonwalk, too?" Kaoru suggested.

"Indeed," Sebastian confirmed. He recognised this human terminology. He hadn't been to the moon, but there were several voids in the depths of hell with similar low gravity situations - and Sebastian had visited everywhere in hell. So he attempted to simulate walking backwards in one of those places before the host club.

Everyone was astounded when they saw the result. It was so beautiful and life changing. Mori got a nosebleed. Once Sebastian was finished moonwalking, they burst into tumultuous applause. Tamaki wiped tears from his eyes. Haruhi even smiled a little.

Soon the beauty of it was forgotten, and the impulsive hot club thought of more challenges for the butler. "Can you play a perfect game of DDR on highest difficulty?" Tamaki questioned. If the butler could do that, he could assuredly do any task set to him in the known world. Tamaki had recently become infatuated by these video games of the common folk, though it wasn't nearly as graceful as the waltzing he was used to. Sebastian didn't even bat an eyelid at the request, just nodded.

Haruhi turned to her Daddy blankly. "Senpai, there isn't even a DDR table in the music room, it's..." But when she looked back away from Tamaki, she saw that Sebastian was already carrying the heavy arcade game on one shoulder. During the time she'd been looking away, he'd stolen it from the closest children's entertainment centre, right from underneath two overweight noobs testing their dance moves out. "Where did you..." Haruhi trailed off, not having a clue any more.

Sebastian plugged the DDR machine into the wall, and set it on the highest difficulty. He turned to Tamaki. "Have you any preference for the song, milord?"

Tamaki thought it over for a long time, before eventually deciding what the best band to dance to was. "Something by Super Junior," he decided.

"Very good, milord," Sebastian agreed, before firing up the machine. The music started, and what seemed like thousands of different arrows passed the marks per second (the difficulty was set on eleven), but Sebastian had perfect timing for every one of them. He'd spent so many hours trying to teach the young master to dance, he was better than an expert himself. The boys on screen danced in unison – as Super Junior tends to do - and Sebastian's quick feet kept up with the impossible moves, faster than was humanly possible. Everyone gawped, cheeks blushing and jaws dropping to the floor when they saw Sebastian's pure majesty. When the song ended, and Sebastian got a score of six bajilion million, and a hundred per cent, everyone was silent in awe.

The first to speak up was Mori, his eyes watering. "How... How did you do that...?"

Sebastian just smiled and bowed again. "I'm simply one hell of a disco butler."

The entire host club cheered for him, then. Haruhi, having engaged in DDR enough times with her commoner friends, respected the butler's prowess.

Tamaki, eager as ever to start playing, spoke up. "Will you play hide and seek with us, Sebastian?" he exclaimed.

"And kick the can!" Hikaru added.

"Play, play, play!" Hunny chorused.

Sebastian looked briefly over to Kyoya. But the evil lord, still typing on his computer, didn't meet his gaze, or even spare him a glance. Sebastian didn't have a choice. He would have to join them, however degrading. The host club practically dragged him out to the lawn, pulling the butler by the tails of his coat.

As the door to music room three shut, and Kyoya was left alone, he smiled to himself.

This butler was a better investment than he ever could have hoped for. Not only could he perform impossible actions, but he could distract the host club for long enough in order to let Kyoya get work done for once. Happily, he kept filing expenses on his computer.


	3. And then they kissed

**Seeing as it's Kyoya's birthday today, I wore glasses the entire day.**

**My headache knows no bounds.**

* * *

Haruhi found it strangely disconcerting. She'd visited Kyoya's home many times, but Sebastian seemed to take a place there naturally, as if he'd been there all along, for years and years. Kyoya was sitting on the sofa, staring towards his TV. Sebastian, however, was standing by the side of the television, remote in hand. The show Kyoya was watching quickly moved to a commercial break, and Sebastian bowed low. "Would you like me to change the channel, young master?" he asked.

Kyoya just shook his head. "No, turn it off, I want to speak to Haruhi," he ordered, not getting off the sofa. Sebastian bowed once more, and flicked a button on the remote. The massive TV that was worth more than Haruhi's house died, and the servant put down the remote. Was Sebastian just _standing _there the entire time he was watching TV? Making him wait around just to change the channel was a little degrading, even for a butler...

Sebastian then turned to her, gesturing widely for her to sit down on the sofa next to Kyoya. As if by magic, he had tea in his hand. "Welcome, honoured guest of the Ohtori family!" the butler said. "Please, take a seat. Would you like some tea?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess." Haruhi said, sitting herself as elegantly as she could manage on the sofa next to Kyoya. It wasn't very elegant. Sebastian then put the teacup down before her.

"It was found in the grave of the world's first alien invader, madam, and it's more valuable than the entire universe." Oh. Because it looked rather like a regular teacup. Pretty plain, with a little bit of golden tracing around the outside. She took it up, and glimpsed inside. That was weird. The tea was all brown and milky. Had the butler messed it up somehow? "Earl Grey, madam," he told her with his striking, classy British accent. Haruhi started chugging it down, but soon found Kyoya whispering in her ear.

"Spill it on your dress!" he advised, "that way Sebastian will be forced to change your clothes for you." But Haruhi finished drinking all too quickly, and the opportunity was gone. She wasn't sure whether she wanted anything like that, anyway. '_Oh who am I kidding, who wouldn't want to be undressed by Sebastian?'_

"Kyoya, what did you call me here for?" she asked, a little irritated. "Usually it's Tamaki-senpai who summons me to his house after school." And invariably she ignored him. "Do you want something? Is it about my debt? The host club."

"No, Haruhi," Kyoya said, pushing his glasses up with his middle finger. He breathed a thoughtful sigh. "I figured that you're probably the second most intelligent student in the school. If we join together, we can become an unstoppable force. No one will be able to outwit us. Together we can achieve," suddenly the lights dimmed and Kyoya's face seemed to be grinning demoniacally, "WORLD DOMINATION!"

Then the lights turned back on, and Haruhi saw that Sebastian was fiddling with a dimmer switch on the wall. She didn't understand what was going on? Was '_world domination' _going to be one of their cosplay themes? "S-senpai, just let me say... what the fuck have you been smoking?"

"That's what my contract is with Sebastian," Kyoya explained. "Once I reign over the world, he will eat my soul or whatever." Haruhi shuffled over away from him on the sofa. About a meter. "And I'll need all the allies I can in order to become a God. Damn, a certain notebook could really help me out... Anyway, I was hoping you could be help me out. You're very clever, Haruhi. We could rule alongside each other. Wanna oppress hoards of peasants with me?"

Haruhi backed away to the very edge of the sofa. Sebastian sighed. "It's no use, master, I apologise for suggesting it. If only there was another demon to give Haruhi a contract." Sebastian leaned in to her with his malicious smile.

"_I don't want you to eat my soul!_" she wailed. Both Sebastian and Kyoya sighed. Kyoya kept sipping delicately on his tea as if absolutely nothing had happened. He closed his eyes contemplatively.

Well, at least he hadn't tried to rape her this time. She relaxed on the sofa a little. This must have just been his way to teach her a lesson, like last time. But what was the message? It was all freaking confusing, because this was a crack fiction with a plot thought up by someone who gave as many fucks as a true neutral character. "Sebastian, I would like to apologise for the way the Host Club acted towards you today," Kyoya said, facing the butler. "You're a dignified, classy guy who shouldn't be forced to do DDR."

Sebastian stepped away from the lightswitch, and swept over to the plushy sofa. "No, master, truly it was nothing." Then, mysteriously, the wind started blowing through his hair, and his eyes watered up a little as he he looked into the distance. At that moment, Haruhi could almost hear his heart throbbing, and his brows furrowed in perfect agony. A few buttons of his shirt came undone with the raw emotion. It was the level of passion that could only be attained on Fanfiction. "My old master never treated me as kindly as you..." he breathed, on the verge of tears. "He never thanked me for all the hardships I went through. He made me do far more degrading things than perform DDR. Once... I had to wear a pink bonnet. It was domestic abuse..."

Kyoya couldn't handle watching this display any more, keeping a straight face. All at once, he burst out into streaming waterfalls of tears, completely soaking the sofa. His sympathy for Sebastian knew no bounds. Once Sebastian saw Kyoya crying, he quickly broke down, and both of them were weeping like babies. Sebastian collapsed onto his knees in front of the sofa, and they were wailing worse than in a boss fight against Pinwheel. "That must have been so horrible!" Kyoya blubbered, between the gasps. "I cannot express my sorrow in words." He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Sebastian's neck, pulling him into a deep embrace. Never had there been so much angst in such a short time, or in such high concentration.

Haruhi stared. She stared for a very long time. She doubted even Tamaki could produce this many tears. Once he noticed she was watching, Kyoya lashed out at her. "GET OUT OF HERE HARUHI SO WE CAN CRY LIKE MEN!" he yelled.

Haruhi wouldn't dare object, she decided to let herself out of the house as quickly as possible, practically sprinting from the sofa up to the door, and running out to the corridor beyond. Sebastian neglected his butler duties by not showing her the way, but for once, he didn't care about anything but his tender hug with Kyoya.

"My old master once forced me to be tortured for days," he related. "I was at the mercy of my captors, completely unable to defend myself."

"I'll protect you, Sebastian, forever and ever! I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to you."

"Thank you, master. You're the best master I could ever dream of!"

"Let's rule the world together!"

And then they kissed.

Their tongues snaked around each other like writing, over excited eels in a fish pond. Sebastian jammed his hand into Kyoya's hair and pulled him closer for a fleeting moment, amplifying the intensity (11) of their kiss. Their saliva mixed together as one, in a great sloshing bucket of love. Sebastian bit at Kyoya's lip, like the tender nip of a little fish. Steam practically drifted upwards from the dreaminess of their make-out. Both of their noses were gushing blood, and it mixed with their saliva and tears in one unhygienic combination. Although Kyoya was versed in medicine and health, he didn't care one whit about it, because these were the raw fluids from _SEBASTIAN. _

But all of a sudden, and to Kyoya's great disappointment, Sebastian turned away, forcing Kyoya off him. "Forgive me, master. That was very... improper of me." He stormed out of the door in an instant. "I must attend to dinner."

"Make me a sandwich while you're in the kitchen," Kyoya shouted after him.


	4. SAVE THE YAOI

**A/N: If you don't know about the love triangle TV trope of Betty and Veronica, you are not among the enlightened. Google shall bring about the revelation. And if you've read it so far, you obviously have a disturbed enough mind to be into this sort of stuff. Please, leave a review and favourite. If you actually like this, you're clearly an amazing person with impeccable taste in literature, and the world is dying to hear your critique.**

* * *

4 – The sound of a powerful motor rumbled from beneath Music Room 3.

It was after school, and the Host club was entertaining guests. Kyoya made accounts, as he always did, while the rest of them talked to the ladies – save Mori, who let the ladies talk at him.

Haruhi was still a little freaked about what had happened yesterday. She was mostly worried about Kyoya's mental sanity. Had Tamaki given him some mushrooms again? And what was up with that butler? Surely no butler was so dedicated to allow his master to sluttily make out with him so fiercely? Or was he actually into it? Moreover, she was a little surprised that Kyoya-senpai wasn't straight, because up until now, he'd always-

Oh yeah. Everyone's secretly gay inside. Especially on Fanfiction. She'd forgotten about that fact. When she told them about Kyoya and Sebastian's love, the rest of the host club had been overjoyed. Mori had got a nosebleed, Hunny had eaten a celebratory slice of cake, as well as the twins and Tamaki jumping with joy and screaming "Yay! _Less competition for Haruhi!" _Now, they were pretty pleased whenever they saw the evil lord and the butler together. Sebastian wouldn't leave Kyoya's side, even in the middle of club activities. The young ladies seemed quite taken with him, but Kyoya ordered him not to talk to any of them – it seemed he was the defensive type.

When Renge emerged spinning from the floor, it seemed inevitable. She ambushed the rest of the Host Club (from behind) by creeping up to the sofa where they were all sat. Kyoya, always attempting to distance himself – was on the opposite side of the room, on his computer, talking distractedly with Sebastian. Sebastian laughed at some statement Kyoya made, and the shadow king blushed with the butler's attention.

"It's very OOC," Renge said, watching Kyoya and Sebby, pounding her fist against her palm. "But I _like _it! I could eat twenty bowls of rice."

Tamaki – 'heterosexual' that he was – looked up at her quizzically. "I thought that you had a thing for Kyoya, Renge?" he asked, completely stunned to see Kyoya giggling at the butler's presence.

"I don't have a problem with him having a gay lover on the side! His female attention will be given to me, and I can fuck _both _of them at once. 83! But there's only one problem..." she thought intensely for a few moments, solving one of the most difficult puzzles of her life. Her eyebrows weaved together thoughtfully, and she tapped her cheek with one hand in deep contemplation. Finally she reached enlightenment. "Which one of them is the seme, and which is the uke? It's an eternal conundrum. A paradox that, if solved, will tear apart the universe."

They watched as Sebastian served tea for Kyoya, and took away his school jacket for ironing. "On the one hand," Renge argued, "Sebastian is very manly. He will protect Kyoya with his life. He's a strong fighter, and he never lets his emotions get the best of him." Haruhi wondered about that, seeing Sebastian stream with tears as he did yesterday... "But on the other hand, Sebastian is like Kyoya's little puppy! He will do anything that my darling requests. Including bending over, getting down on his knees, and getting to the gritty stuff."

"Eeeew." Hunny protested, sticking his tongue out.

"MALE LOVE IS not that gritty!" Hikaru and Kaoru said at once, before gasping, and covering each other's mouths. "Pretend we didn't say that."

"But then again," Renge continued, "Sebastian tucks Kyoya into bed every night, as well as changing his clothes, and chewing his food for him, if he wants. He listens to all of Kyoya's emotional worries, and comforts him in times of need."

"Kyoya has emotional worries?" Hunny asked, astounded.

"And Sebastian has baggage, though. Things he needs to unload on someone who will listen without judging. Where does that place him? We can't have a _double seme _situation, or a _double uke_, either. That would be... gross. And ILLEGAL. I think this might be a matter that boils down to their _height_, as superficial as it seems. Sebastian is 6'1, and unfortunately, darling Kyoya is only 5'11... Hmm... this is a puzzle. By process of elimination, Sebastian might _have _to be the seme, but I don't like that at all." She turned fiercely to the rest of the host club. "What do you guys think? Which one will be on top when they're dicking?"

Tamaki's face was bright red at the thought, and he shook his head wildly. "I, don't think I'm quite comfortable talking about this," he laughed nervously.

"Me, either, Renge," Haruhi admitted with a shiver. "The thought of the two of them on top of each other-"

"Hot, naked sweaty bodies writhing in an eternal dance of fiery love. With penises?" Renge finished.

"Yeeeeeeaah. I think we should talk about something else. Like baseball."

Renge squealed in revelation. "Good thinking Haruhi. Which one of them is the pitcher? Hmm."

"No! Please!" Hunny covered his ears with both hands, usa-chan falling to his lap. "Please stop Renge. It's not nice!"

Renge finally gave up, and folded her arms, and walking away in a huff. "You guys are no fun. I had a really long discussion about this with another girl earlier. She and I talked about those two for _hours. _She was sort of odd – had the longest red hair I've ever seen – but it was still so much fun!"

Sebastian almost dropped the teapot he was brandishing, from all the way across the room. In the space of a few seconds, he'd run at top speed, rushing straight towards Renge. He grabbed hold of her frilly collar, and pulled at her desperately. She giggled, but the expression on Sebastian's face was deadly serious.

"Who is this girl you were talking to?" he demanded calmly.

"I don't know!" Renge replied anxiously, nose feeling the start of a bleed. "I've never seen her around school before. She looked pretty bad in the uniform, she should really trim her hair..."

"DID THIS GIRL CARRY A CHAINSAW?" Sebastian was loosing his cool, and yelling the otaku into submission.

"Of course not, the Ouran security is better than that!"

"Did she call me '_Sebby' _or '_Bassy' _or '_Sebass... chan'? _Did she end her sentences with ~ 3?

Renge laughed a little more. "Everyone calls you '_Sebby'_ now, you're quite popular in the school." Some of the other girls eating in the club chuckled a little at the comment. Sebastian gradually released his grip on Renge.

Kyoya stood up urgently, slamming down the lid of his laptop. "What is the matter, Sebastian? Did she say something to upset you?"

Sebastian looked sulkily to the floor, dark shadows playing around his eyes. "No, master, but I think we'd been watch ourselves more closely in the coming days. We could all be in great danger."


	5. Speed equals Distance over Time

**I did it. It was difficult, and it took me many hours of hard toil, but I managed to make this scene completely and utterly unsexy. I think a medal of some sort is deserved for this impossible task.**

* * *

5 - It was angst o'clock in the Ohtori household.

Kyoya's parents were out at a social dinner with their colleagues, and he'd told them he would prefer to stay back and work. They would stay overnight in a hotel in the city they visited. It was late, so most of the servants had gone home. The house was empty, and a beautiful twilight had fallen. The only people left inside were Sebastian, and Kyoya himself. The night was slow, there was nothing good on TV, Kyoya had finished all his homework...

Yup, conditions were perfectly primed for angst to take place.

And it damned well was going to.

It was only a matter of time before Sebastian and Kyoya started talking. The butler came rushing into Kyoya's bedroom and closed the door behind him hurriedly, as if not a moment should be wasted.

Now, Kyoya had a very large bedroom. We know it has two levels (even with a balcony), as well as a work desk, fish tank, sofa and relaxation area, with many bookcases. The windows were tall, from floor to ceiling, and the curtains drawn widely open. The place has many square feet of space.

But Sebastian still came storming in there and locked the door. Context isn't important. "M'lord, I feel there is something important I have failed to tell you," the butler gave a sincerely apologetic bow. "We all may be in grave danger, if my suspicions are correct..."

Kyoya nodded, still sitting at his desk. It's not like he hadn't expected SOME drawbacks to selling his soul for a butler so ridiculously OP. "Sit down, then," he said, perfectly willing to hear the butler's concern. "If there's a potential threat, we would do well to assess it."

After being told to sit down, Sebastian moved straight to the edge of the bed and sat down on _that_. Not the sofa, or the armchair, the _bed. _ Kyoya swiveled his chair around to listen, as the butler poured out the truth. Sebastian didn't sound worried, even given the distressing nature of the events he related, he was cold and calculating and ravishingly sexy and true neutral as always. "When I came to this period of time in the human world, I did not come here out of choice or preference. Your time is a pleasant and mostly peaceful one - and there are much fewer young lords who have ambitions to rule over the world. I was very lucky to find you." The desk was only a few metres away from the bed, and Kyoya scooched closer on his wheelie chair, eager to listen to the insight on demon culture. "I came to this time - from the Victorian era - not to look for souls, but to _escape_ a terrible menace." This was surprising - something in the world was capable of worrying _Sebastian_? Kyoya leaned in closer, absolutely fascinated. Their faces now were close, Sebastian sitting on the bed, and Kyoya bending over towards him from his desk chair. The light was fading as the sun set outside, and Sebastian's face was basked in shadows.

"What horror is so dire that it would threaten you?" Kyoya asked coolly.

"Not threaten," Sebastian explained, "but disgust." He leaned back against one of the bed's four posters, running a gloved hand through his lavish hair. "I came to you because I needed to hide from a shinigami that was chasing me."

Kyoya fell off his chair like a little bitch. "Shini- shinigami?"

Sebastian helped him up at once, pulling his master upwards to sit on the bed next to him. "His status as a death god doesn't matter. I'll explain a little more. A few weeks ago, my present master was in some deep trouble. His life was in danger, and he promised the shinigami anything he desired, if the shinigami would help rescue him and his loved ones."

Hmm, things were getting more and more interesting. "Did the shinigami ask to take your life?" Kyoya wondered.

Sebastian shook his head with the slightest fraction of his winning smile. "Oh no, no, the shinigami asked for my hand in _marriage_. You see, I think he has quite an obsession with me." Kyoya's mouth dropped open, and Sebastian moved it closed with a delicate glove. This butler was in some deep kinky shit. "Ever since we met, he's loudly and confidently expressed his desire to carry my children."

"Is he-"

"Male. Indeed. Yes." Sebastian gazed out the window with a faraway look in his eye. "And sadistic, and flamboyant, and _relentless_. When I heard about this promised marriage my master had made for me, I had to flee. It was my only other option than wedding and bedding that _thing_. The best way to truly escape where he couldn't find me was to travel to another time." A lone tear dribbled out of the corner of Sebastian's eye. Taylor Swift music started to play mysteriously in the background. "I don't LOVE him. I'm just so worried that he might find me, and do something VIOLENTLY SEXUAL."

Kyoya didn't know what to do, so he elected that the best course of action was to wrap his arm around Sebastian's shoulders comfortingly. Was he supposed to say something, or just sit there silently, and absorb all of Sebastian's grief? He squeezed the butler tighter, and put a hand on his cheek where he was crying, sliding his face round so they could look each other in the eyes. "You're safe now..." Kyoya said, drawing ever closer by the second. Their mouths were mere centimetres apart, but it was still too far. His lips parted, and Sebastian's tears dried to a halt. "Nothing can harm you while you're alone... with me..."

The was a tender moment of quiet between them for a moment, before Sebastian started to get ravenous. In a fit of fury, he grabbed Kyoya forcefully by the shoulders and slammed him down onto his bed. He tore his glasses off, and threw them wrathfully across the room. With fierce teeth, the butler removed his gloves and laid them to waste on the floor. Kyoya stayed utterly still, with Sebastian towering on top of him. Sebastian swung his leg up to sit on top of Kyoya, then bent down to kiss the megane on the neck and shit. Kyoya sat there, doing nothing but accepting the affection. He didn't moan, or speak, or even shiver.

Sebastian gasped out words inbetween kisses. "Please, say something. Say, '_Oh, Sebastian, I don't know if we should be doing this_.' Or '_no, my parents could come home._'" The demon's crimson eyes bore straight into Kyoya's, strumming at his heart. "Or better yet, '_be gentle, this is my first time._'"

Kyoya was a little disturbed by his request. "Fuckin' why should I say any of that?" he asked, still as a board with Sebastian on top of him.

"I can't be the uke," Sebastian explained. "It's an impossibility. Receiver, glory-hole, uke, '_the woman_', whatever you want to call it." It was true, Sebastian had pure sexy mens power that was undeniably masculine.

But Kyoya did too. Sometimes yaoi isn't fair. Kyoya sighed. "Does that mean I'm going to get buttfucked tonight?"

"It seems inevitable." Sebastian had claimed rape already.

Kyoya shrugged in submissive acceptance. "Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do." At once, Sebastian grinned, and flipped over Kyoya in a similar manner to the way he would change a tablecloth. Now he laid on his stomach, and Sebastian eagerly removed the trousers of his school uniform, tossing them haphazardly away. The chill wind from the open window blew onto Kyoya's bared ass cheeks. Did he feel vulnerable? Maybe a little, for the sake of story convenience. It was a matter of seconds before Sebastian had his own pants off (if he couldn't strip quickly, what kind of butler would he be?). Male genitals were out, as they tend to be in gay sex. Kyoya was ready and primed. Sebastian a chuckled a little before he began.

AND THEN HE STARTED DICKING BY PUTTING HIS DICK INTO THE DICKHOLE WHERE THE DICKS GO. DICKS FLAPPED EVERYWHERE, AND THERE WAS MORE GRUNTING AND GROANING THAN AT A WOMEN'S WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TENNIS MATCH.

THE BEDSPRINGS BROKE FROM ALL THE SUPREME THRUST MOMENTUM OF THE DICKS. THE ACCELERATION WAS BOTH RAPID, AND THE MASS WAS GREAT, TOO - MANY HEAVY INCHES WORTH OF BUTLERY GIRTH. SOME OF THE THRUSTING TRANSFERRED FROM KINETIC ENERGY TO SOUND, BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH MOANING LIKE DYING WALRUSES, AND SOME OF THE KINETIC ENERGY WAS ALSO TRANSFERRED TO HEAT, BECAUSE THE SEX WAS SO DAMN HOT, AND KYOYA'S ANUS BURNED HOTTER THAN A STEAK GRILL IN THE FIERY DEPTH OF HELL. THE BUTLER'S DICK DID THE THING THAT DICKS DO WHEN THEY'RE HAPPY, AND KYOYA WAS WINCING FROM THE PURE AMOUNT OF DICK THAT WAS CURRENTLY DICKING IN HIS DICKHOLE. WOAH, SEBASTIAN WAS SUCH A DICK, DICKING AROUND WITH THAT DICKY DICK OF HIS LIKE THAT AS HE DID.

IF WE CONSIDER THE EQUATION, SPEEDxTIME = DISTANCE, SEBASTIAN AND KYOYA DICKED FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES. IF THE VELOCITY AND TIME OF THEIR LOVEMAKING WAS PUT ON A GRAPH, THE READINGS WOULD BE OFF THE CHARTS. THERE WAS SO MUCH RESULTANT FORCE FROM THE THRUSTING THAT KYOYA ALMOST BUCKLED BENEATH IT. IT WAS DEFINITELY A VECTOR, THE SEX, MEASURING BOTH PLEASURE AND INTENSITY. KYOYA MIGHT HAVE REACHED TERMINAL VELOCITY, THE ECTASY HE EXPERIENCED WAS SO EXTREME. IN TERMS OF ASTRONOMY, KYOYA'S ORBITAL PATTERNS WERE AS ERRATIC AS THOSE OF A COMET, BECAUSE THE HOTNESS OF SEX WITH SEBASTIAN WAS DISTORTING HIS VIEW OF REALITY, MUCH LIKE THE REFRACTION OF LIGHT IN OBJECTS DENSER THAN AIR. RAINBOWS SPROUTED IN THE AIR, BEHIND KYOYA'S CLOSED EYELIDS, WITH INVISIBLE INFARED AT ONE END, AND ULTRAVIOLET AT THE OTHER. SEX WITH SEBASTIAN WAS JUST LIKE ULTRAVIOLET, BECAUSE IT WAS A HARMFUL RADIATION THAT COULD CAUSE INSANITY AND SUNBURN.

Kyoya suddenly realised that he had a physics test the next day, and he hadn't read the chapter. But he didn't care, there was so much CHEMISTRY between him and Sebastian, he had to focus on that.

The butler released his butler jelly, in a liquid state, and electricity could have travelled through its simple molecular structure, because their love was like lightning, the bond between them was so strong it almost seemed covalent, and soon Kyoya's electron shell was completely full.

It was a wonder he didn't consider revising the Biology topic of reproduction instead. They'd only just started that unit...


	6. OTP

**Here it comes. My OTP. Like a sneaky assassin. The OTP is unavoidable. Ignoring it is a physical impossibility.**

* * *

There was a rustling in the bushes outside of Kyoya's window.

"What was that noise?" Sebastian sat up suddenly. He woke the deeply sleeping Kyoya with his stirring. Though usually he would be pissed to high heavens to be woken from his hypotensive slumber, currently Kyoya was too tired to even feel rage. How could Sebastian even _sit up_ after what the two of them had just been through? Kyoya doubted he would ever be able to walk properly, he almost wanted to go to the hospital because he thought his pelvis was broken.

Kyoya rolled over on the double bed, shoving a pillow over his head, and snuggling against Sebastian next to him. "It was probably just some cat," he said, eyelids drooping.

Somehow that seemed to excite Sebastian even more. The butler planted both legs firmly on the floor, and paced over to the window. Kyoya was a little disappointed to find that his tailcoat still looked immaculate, and his ability to move wasn't affected by their strenuous exertions earlier. Sebastian snooped around the large window. The curtains were wide open, and the window itself cracked to let in some breeze. A good thing, too, otherwise they would have overheated from all the hot smuttiness of their lovemaking. Below the window were a thick set of rose bushes, perfect for a stalker or pervert to hide in. While Sebastian listened, silence fell. The wind whistled, Kyoya could hear no sound but his own breathing.

But wait! There was something else outside the window. Another sound, a continuous muffled sob. Someone was weeping?! And moreover, they were waiting outside, underneath Kyoya's window, and watching their sex. Why?! Why?! WHY?! The crying, although distinctly feminine - albeit with a breaking voice - couldn't have been Renge (the only person he believed would dare to watch such an act between two men), so who was it? He struggled to stand, supporting himself with the post of the bed, and peering over in an attempt to see the perpetrator. "Sebastian, who is it?" he asked.

Sebastian let out a heavy, history-transcending sigh of depression. With one swift movement, he heaved the window open, and reached out to the bushes below. From within the shrubbery, he pulled a... man? That was Kyoya's first guess. However, that man was crying, and he had high heeled shoes on, as well as luscious scarlet hair that reached down to his thighs, and a very womanly coat, the colour of vibrant blood. '_Ah, a sex predator,_' Kyoya realised. Sebastian held him up off the ground by the collar of his coat, but the tears kept streaming from his spectacled eyes.

"Were you watching the entire time, Grell?" the butler asked.

"Oh _Bassy~!_ How could I ever _look away_?" his hostage replied. "Every minute, every dreadful second of your immaculate thrusting! For hours!" Sebastian dropped Grell to the floor with a thud, and he let out an indignant yelp. "How _dare_ you go and do something like this with _another man_? I mean," he glared maliciously over at Kyoya and shot him a smile of fangs, "it was deadly _sexy_, and I don't mind with rolling with two of you at once, but we're _ENGAGED,_ Sebastian! Don't you have any desire to maintain the sanctity of that vow?" The red monster stood up at once and sidled up to Sebastian. Kyoya scowled, because he had to be the jealous uke." I know you said we should wait until after the wedding," he ran a seductive finger down Sebastian's chest, "but I have. Absolutely. No. Problem. With satisfying your, mmnhm, ~sexual~ desires, at any moment you wish. Take me on the floor of the queen's palace for all I care!" Grell ripped open the top few buttons of his frilly shirt, and came down on one knee before the butler. "Don't go running off to another time just so you can frolic with a cheap whore!" He pointed an indignant and jealous finger off towards Kyoya, whose scowl gradually subsided. Because fuck it, if anyone's going to be the jealous uke, Grell will win that competition.

"Please get these things clear in your mind," Sebastian told Grell, exasperated, pressing a foot against his chest, and pushing him gradually away. "I have absolutely no desire to be wedded to you, and I fled to this time in order to escape eternal punishment of being tied down to an immortal grim reaper."

"Oh Bassy! You wound~ me!"

It was Kyoya's turn to rage at the impostor. If Grell snitched to the public about his homosexual activities, the Ohtori family name would be washed with scandal. Moreover, countless yaoi fangirls would constantly turn up at his house and ask him to take his shirt off. His entire life would be ruined, and he would never get to be evil overlord of the entire world! He rushed towards the reaper, mad with anger, although the image was lessened somewhat by the fact he nearly tripped over his aching legs. "You bastard!" he shouted, "you're the one that has caused Sebastian so much pain and grief! I won't let you take him back to whatever hell you live in. He was crying man tears about you earlier, you're obviously a promiscuous nightmare!"

Grell looked to Sebastian incredulously. "Sebas-chan~ you _cried_ about me?" he asked, eyes sparkling with a golden intensity that would even impress Tamaki. He clasped his hands together and jumped on the spot. "Oh you really do love me! Hee!" He linked his arm snugly in a loop around Sebastian's, and pulled him back towards the open window. "Now come with me, we have to start planning for the wedding, there's so much to decide, you don't realise, but I've been planning this since I was a little girl-"

"STAHP!" Kyoya shouted, as the grim reaper pulled a fearful Sebastian away, and he paused for a moment, but it was enough to get his attention. "I won't let you take Sebastian away to marry _you_! He deserves better than a multiple buttsecs offender!"

"My lord..." Sebastian gasped, in awe that Kyoya was sticking up for him, vulnerable and helpless that he was.

"It's true that I've always been greedy. I like receiving far better than giving." Grell said with a snap. Well fuck, ten yaoi points for him. "But I don't see how you can stop me from taking darling Sebby away? What are you going to do, fight me?" The reaper chuckled a little.

Kyoya clenched his fists, and ground his teeth together. His heart was pounding as fiercely as Sebastian pounded during lovemaking. He didn't want to lose the butler so soon after they'd met. They hardly knew each other, it was so unfair for Grell to steal him away before his time. So then, in his angsty little mind, he knew the answer. "Yes. Yes I'll fight you."

"Kaaaaaaaa?" Grell wailed, astounded.

"Today after school, in the yard out back," Kyoya promised. "You can bring your best game, and we will fight, man to man."

"Young lord, plz!" Sebastian insisted. "This man is a god of death, he will be no fair match for you on the battlefield."

"Don't argue. I've made up my mind. Tomorrow," Kyoya stared up at Grell with the fiercest glowing eyes, "we fight over who has the right to Sebastian's sweet booty."

Grell smiled a little. "Well, if I'd known I would get to battle against underage school children, I would have come sooner~!"


	7. PvP Battle Engaged

**The ending of this fanfiction is inspired by the love and tolerance of the Dark Souls community towards new players**

* * *

It was time for the sexy mens to do battle.

Everything was ready. The author had finally manned up and forced herself to write the battle scene – because descriptive actions and dynamic fighting are much more difficult than slutty dialogue.

Grell was ready. He'd brushed his hair so he could look nice for the fight – as well as going out to buy a few of the human clothes from this time, packed in a pink suitcase ready to go home. Crop tops and miniskirts and tube tops and all variety of articles it was impossible to get back in such a _respectable _time as the 19th century. He'd spent the rest of the day sharpening his death scythes. He didn't quite have his chainsaw. Will – the little bitch – had taken it away. He really was quite a cruel master, and he certainly knew how to make Grell feel submissive. So now, he had nothing but his two pairs of deadly safety scissors. The edges were razor sharp, and could tear through the very flesh of the soul – but the points were blunted. It was a little difficult to find anything else around the office for temporary use. But the little whore Sebastian had been so _vigorously _screwing wouldn't be any match for his mad reaper fighting skillz, even with Grell's disadvantage. Now he waited for Ohtori to turn up to their amazing deathmatch duel.

Kyoya had been anticipating the fight throughout every lesson in school. Tamaki knew all about it by now – although he was a little confused as to Grell's motives. And his sexual orientation. Was he gay, or bi, or what?! Kyoya had confirmed it was a little closer to '_anything that moves.' _Moreover, would the reaper try to tea bag him if he lost the fight? Tamaki had been playing video games of the commoners, and that seemed a general display of victory in online PvP. Kyoya knew shit nothing about fighting because he was so loveable he'd never done battle before. Moreover, he had an entire team of bodyguards watching him at every moment. It felt pretty rough to know he would be trying to beat up some depraved reaper later on. Above all, he hoped the school wouldn't mistake it for a massive act of homophobia. He wondered how good the reaper was at fighting. If worst came to worst, Kyoya could always try to seduce him. Grell seemed the type to go for that.

Haruhi was worried for Kyoya, and continued to wonder if he was on some sort of illegal substance. But she knew he would probably win, considering what pushovers transvestites seemed to be. Her father would flinch at the slightest hint of danger.

Hunny-chan had tried to give Kyoya cake the entire day, saying that it would provide energy for the fight later.

Mori spent most of the day in the bathroom shoving tissues into his nose to stop his nosebleeds.

Hikaru and Kaoru were nowhere to be seen. Kyoya assumed they were partaking in twincest.

Renge, however, didn't feel emotions nearly as negative. Although she knew her darling Kyoya would be getting punched today, she couldn't stop the butterflies that fluttered in her stomach. Today, Kyoya and this mysterious _grim reaper _would be fighting over the right to have their asses penetrated by Sebastian! Manly prides would be flaring everywhere, and they would wage war in the name of love – the most divine of purposes. It was so romantic, to think the two of them were willing to fight for the heart of the butler, throwing caution to the wind, and engaging in a spar of pure, unfiltered passion. She was ravenous to witness it, and the clocks ticked by so slowly during the school day. Naturally, she had told all her friends about it, and they were just as excited to see the sexy mens fight. During her most boring of lessons, she daydreamed about the greatest of conundrums: Kyoya and Grell were obviously both the ukes when it came to screwing Sebastian – but which one, in the love triangle, was Betty? And which was Veronica? It was pretty damned difficult to decide. On the one hand, Grell had known Sebastian for years back in their time, and he lived closer to the butler, at least in terms of time. (Betties always have to live closer to their Archie than Veronica, to increase the _'girl next door vibe.') _But on the other hand, Kyoya was human, while Grell was a lavish Veronica of a grim reaper. Everyone around her was elated with the excitement, and she'd already taken in a considerable amount of money in bets.

The camp Big Ben at the top of the tower finally chimed the hour signifying the end of lessons, and every female with even a remote interest flocked in the opposite sex flocked to the central courtyard to watch the duel about to transpire. Grell was already waiting there on the grass, and he shot the spectators a winning smile. "I'm sorry, ladies, but I'm going to end up taking Bassy~ away from you! There isn't a chance Ohtori will win this fight. I..." he clipped his tiny red scissors together with a menacing snap, "am an almighty shinigami!" The fangirls cheered in unison, many of them waving scarlet flags. It seems many of them had already taken sides – the more kinky (and realistic) favouring Grell to win.

Eventually, the host club turned up. They'd all rushed over to Music Room 3 at the end of the day to give Kyoya a quick pep talk. It hadn't been very encouraging. The talk consisted mostly of Tamaki thrusting Kuma-chan at Kyoya and screaming "TAKE THIS, IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!"

Now, with Kuma-chan under his arm, Kyoya walked out onto the battlefield with the stuffed bear underneath his arm, shuffling towards the reaper who waited sassily for him. The host club cheered for him as he walked forwards, as did most of Ouran who were watching.

"All right then," Grell let out a wide yawn, "Let's get this over with. I have an appointment with the wedding planner ready..."

Kyoya grinned evilly. "You shouldn't underestimate me. I am Kyoya Ohtori, and..." he pushed his glasses up and they glinted in the sunlight, "MY INITIALS SPELL OUT K.O.!"

A gasp rose up unanimously from the crowd around, as they all realised the almighty power of fatality Kyoya had been born with. Grell gritted his pointed teeth in jealous fury.

In a rush, Sebastian dashed out from the midst of the crowd, rushing towards Kyoya – who was just about to defend his honour. He was just about to shout '_bocchan,' _but stopped himself when he realised it wasn't shota o'clock. He stepped right up to Kyoya and took up his hand. "Good luck. Please win this fight... I'll be subjected to anal penetration by that _thing _over there if you fail!" Buttsex with Grell wasn't something Kyoya wished upon _anyone_, so he was honour-bound to fight in this duel.

"I'll try my very hardest," he promised Sebastian. The butler nodded to him before dashing away back into the crowd. And so it was that Grell and Kyoya would fight for the right to screw Sebastian. It was good competition for the spot of sexiest duel in history.

Renge was at the front row, waving a flag with a pair of glasses printed onto it. When both of them were ready, she screamed the all important words - "LET THE FIGHT BEGIN!"

Grell instantly came at Kyoya with his claws, reaching straight for his face. Kyoya brought up his own fingernails straight back at him, and it seemed this was destined to become a catfight.

The two of them scrambled about, trying to catch at each other's faces. Grell aimed a falcon punch towards Kyoya, but the nimble megane ducked underneath it. Kuma chan was still tucked underneath his arm. Making a sacrifice for the greater good, Kyoya threw him firmly to the floor, breaking the bear's back. A shout came from Tamaki somewhere in the crowd.

The spectators formed a circle around them, forging a duelling circle that even the bloody nine would be proud of. The author continued to make references, knowing full well no one would get them. Grell pulled Kyoya down, and soon they were rolling in the mud. Crimson hair was dyed a murky burgundy. Flecks of the stuff splattered onto Kyoya's glasses, but he didn't have time to wipe it off. Grell punched Kyoya in the ovaries a few times, and Kyoya could do nothing but take it. Eventually with a mighty shove, he hauled Grell off him, and let the shinigami flail around in the mud. His clothes were completely soaked through, heavy from sweat and dirt. Grell seemed to think the same thing, and once he was stood up, he began to strip. He was able to get down to his tiny briefs quite quickly - undoubtedly through years of practise. Not wanting to be outdone by the grim reaper, Kyoya flung his Ouran uniform off, too. Now both of them were in naught but undies and glasses, and were giving one another glares of fire.

The crowd went wild the first time it saw the two of them in their underpants. The cheers echoed deafeningly in Kyoya's ears, and he knew many eyes were on his firm ass. Renge nearly lost her voice from squealing so much. Mori got a nosebleed so furious and intense, it could trump the eruption of Mt St Helens. The blood flew out from his nostrils into the duelling arena, and splattered onto the fighters in the duelling arena. Kyoya hoped Mori didn't have aids.

Grell licked up the blood that landed on his face. The reaper was practically a walking, talking STD so he didn't have to worry about such things. All too soon they were back in their fight, exchanging bitchy taunts and slaps all the while.

Eventually it became clear to Kyoya that he had to gain some sort of miraculous advantage to win. To continue onwards seemed pointless, as Kyoya was getting his ass so steadily kicked with the most recent stream of punches Grell was applying to him. The reaper was more skilled in the ways of mud wrestling than he.

Now there are many features that determine how good one is at mud wrestling. One of them is physical strength and fitness - which both Kyoya and Grell had quite a deal of. But ability to fight naked in the mud is also determined by your homosexuality. And - even though Kyoya had received anal many times from Sebastian that night - Grell would win any homosexuality competition in the known universe. So yeah, Kyoya wasn't faring too well against his all powerful gaydom.

He needed some miracle, a distraction that would buy him at least enough time to launch a sneak attack on Grell. But the shinigami seemed so set on defeating Kyoya quickly. "I can't wait for the wedding, Sebas~chan!" he shouted out, giving Kyoya a final punch in the stomach after a particularly long chain. Kyoya staggered backwards, finding it difficult to stay standing. His body was already weakened and aching from the sex with Sebastian last night, and his stamina points were dangerously low. Whatever move he made next, it would likely be his last in the fight.

The spectators all leaned in tensely, seeing Kyoya's struggle. They were on his side... he couldn't disappoint them. In the middle of all the eager watching faces, he picked out Sebastian's, and his tender heart ached. Or at least that's what it looked like to Renge. Kyoya was too busy trying to dodge Grell's attacks.

When he was almost at the threadbare end of his strength, Kyoya remembered kuma chan. He would provide no advantage in battle, but perhaps it could distract Grell for a few crucial moments. Kyoya staggered over to the bear, and hauled it into the air with a clumsy hand. It's glassy-eyed face went hurtling straight over towards Grell like a bullet. Tamaki yelled at it from within the crowd. Grell's wide eyes crossed watching its course towards his face. It would hit the reaper in the face, and then Kyoya would trip him... Yes... Come on...

But, of course, Grell ducked beneath it easily matrix style. Kuma chan went flying into the crowd behind. With a grin, the shinigami rushed at Kyoya, and the megane found he had no energy left. Grell pushed him over onto the mud easily, and he fell to the ground with an unpleasant sort of squelch, without the will to get up. His arms were so tired, if only Sebastian hadn't worn him out so much.

Grell made certain it was over. Not only did he stand over the defeated Kyoya, he put one leg either side of his body, spreading them wide. With that, he crouched down so his ass and genital region was close to Kyoya's face. ""Hmmnhm~ if you don't yield..." Grell chuckled, looking maliciously into Kyoya's eyes, "I'm going to tea-bag you."

"I YIELD! I YIELD!" Kyoya yelled, and the reaper stepped away from him, clapping his hands decidedly.

"Well that's that, then. I'll just be taking Bassy and leaving, if you don't mind." He swivelled his head to scour the crowd. With the piercing vision of a hawk, he found Sebastian, and scampered up to him. "Come on, Bassy, we have to go back to our own time. The wedding won't arrange itself~!" He grabbed hold of the astounded Sebastian's arm, and started dragging him off away from the duelling circle. "I think we should make Will the best man - wouldn't that make him so _terribly_ jealous. Most of the guests wouldn't mind just drinking blood, but I think we should order some lots of doggie biscuits to accommodate for the dear Undertaker - he _is_ the maid of honour."

Grell kept prattling on as he pulled Sebastian further and further away. Kyoya saw nothing but Sebastian's dismayed face as he was taken back to a life of buttsecs with the grim reaper. He didn't struggle against Grell's pull, his fate seemed inevitable. Within a few moments, Sebastian had disappeared into the crowd. Kyoya would likely never see him again.

He sat up in the mud. So Sebastian had stolen his soul, and perhaps even his virginity, too. There was nothing he could do about it now, he'd lost the duel, and he kept to his word. Sympathetic fangirls let out sighs of disappointment. Many of them would approach the rebound-Kyoya in the days to come in an attempt to catch him while he was vulnerable. But they, too would be met with rejection.

The host club rushed at once to Kyoya's side. Mori's nose was still caked with blood. Tamaki pulled him up out of the degrading mud. "I'm so sorry for your loss, Kyoya" he said, "it must have hurt a lot to be defeated by that psycho."

Kyoya looked around at all the saddened girls who had turned out to come and watch the fight. Each one of them would undoubtedly visit the music room three the next day to offer their condolences. Perhaps they would buy something while they were there, too. At last, he shrugged. "Not really. This fight will bring in a lot of long term revenue for the club. I'd say it has increased our fan base by at least twenty per cent. That should be enough extra money to fund an additional cosplay event each week." He stared at the girls, all of them on the verge of an emotional breakdown from the sheer amount of feels that had just been demonstrated. "Yes... All of this was very prolific..."

With that, Kyoya walked away from the battleground, still in nothing but his underpants, waves of fangirls parting to make way for him.

What? You expected Kyoya Ohtori, the hypotensive evil lord of Ouran, to actually show emotion about some gay butler? What sort of crap have you been reading to expect that?!

And Sebastian? You think he mourned the loss of his love Kyoya? Pfft, no. He went back to Victorian times and screwed Grell like a man. And he didn't care a single raging shit about having to endure buttsecs with the reaper. It was actually pretty awesome sex that caused earthquakes.

Ultimately, neither of them gave a fuck.

And that was that.

Done.

Merry-fuckin' Christmas.

Don't you dare argue.


End file.
